GLEE: L-R: Unique (guest star Alex Newell), Brittany (Heather Morris), Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) and Blaine (Darren Criss) ask Artie (Kevin McHale, bottom) to pick one of them as the next glee club star in “The New Rachel,” the Season Four premiere episode of GLEE airing on a new night and time Thursday, Sept. 13 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2012 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Mike Yarish/FOX
AU IN WHICH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS
YES, GOOD, LET’S GO WITH THAT.
Oh, for sure, I read those tags as being what’s happening in Artie’s head, whether or not he manages to filter it before it gets to his mouth. Inappropriate Artie, who is still in the process of figuring out that his erotic life is not the same as everyone else’s, and that just because something sounds CRAZY HOT to him (and it really does, I’m with him on that) doesn’t mean it’s going to actually work.
…And now I really want a “process of negotiation” fic, damn.
“Let’s solve this by all working together as a team,” Artie says, and when four voices immediately start to talk over each other, he can already feel a splitting headache beginning to start in his ears. So he continues rolling over them all with the next thing on his mind, which is, “and by team, I mean orgy.”
“I’m with Kurt,” Blaine says, twisting his fingers together in his pockets. Unspoken, and what would he think if I can’t even get a lead?
“I’m still with Mike,” Tina says, unfrozen by Blaine’s speech. “And even though there’s plenty of hot dancing girls at his school in Chicago, I still know that he loves me.” She’s starting to choke up by the end of her speech, and Blaine takes his hands out of his pockets to silently hand her a handkerchief.
“Well, I’m still with Santana, too,” says Brittany. “And I mean, I love her? But she’s the one who made the rule that it doesn’t count is cheating if the plumbing is different, so I’m up for it if you are.”
They stand there awkwardly, looking at Unique. “Stop staring,” she whispers through her teeth, and they drift over to join the rest of the Glee club kids behind the piano.
“I’m sorry,” Artie offers. “I really would like to have sex with all of you, but I didn’t mean to insult anyone by asking.”
“No, it’s not that,” Unique says slowly. “But… you do remember what I look like under this dress, right?”
“Of course,” he says, puzzled, and then, “…. oh. But, yeah, I’m fine with that. Just ask Sam. Or Blaine. Or Brittany.”
“You do realize we can still hear you, right?” asks Tina from where she’s standing behind the piano.
“Then why did you move over there? Go stand further away.”
Tina stalks right back up to Artie’s side, the others following. “And why did you tell Brittany about your bisexual experience fantasies but not me? You didn’t think I’d be as accepting a girlfriend?”
“Whoa, whoa!” exclaimed Artie, holding up his hands. “That was like, three years ago!”
“And you still want to have sex with me, so I think it’s still relevant!”
“But you don’t want to have sex with me, so - “
“Do you remember the Valentine’s Day date?”
Tina’s glare has gotten, if anything, only better in the past three years, so Artie simply says, “yes.”
“And do you remember how you were the one who said you ‘didn’t want to put out?’” she asks ferociously.
“Okay, okay,” he says, “point taken. I’ve changed my mind on that.”
Tina tosses her hair. “I’ll talk to Mike and let you know if the offer still stands for over Thanksgiving break.”
And Artie knows he’s pushing his luck, but he still has to ask… “Blaine?” he says. “You wanna think about reconsidering, too? Threesome options are available!”
Blaine smiles a little, and shrugs his shoulders. “No, thanks, I’m good,” he says. “But I am flattered by the offer, though.” He relaxes a bit. “And that’s not how you’re really giving out performance spots anyway, right?”
“Like hell I’m not!” says Artie. “Brittany and Unique, you’ve got the two solo spots for Sectionals, or as I like to call them, Sex-ionals. Work it out between yourselves whether you’d rather have two duets or an orgy. Tina, you’ve got till Regionals to decide whether you really want the big spotlight there.”
Over by the piano, Sam raises his hand, and says, “Hey! Question!”
“Sam?” Artie says.
“Yeah. Since I’m single and all, and now that I know more about the auditioning process, I think I wanna try to be a star of New Directions too.”
YOU ARE PERFECTION PERSONIFIED
I love everybody in this bar.